Burden

Ok, I don't even know how to start this post as I am so hurt and so insulted.  I just want to run and hide as I seem to be nothing but a burden.

I don't drive (for a damn good reason) and yet people insist on making me feel guilty because of it.  End result, they feel that it's unfair to THEM that they have to pick things up from the store on the way home, drive me somewhere, etc.  I try my best not to ask people to drive me places (shopping, errands, or just to get out of the house) because I don't want to put them out.

Apparently I do anyway.

What gets me is they seem to think that it's such an easy fix, practice and get out there!  Things will be fine.  However, not ONE person has actually looked at me and I mean LOOKED at me and heard the REAL reasons why I don't drive.  What happened to ME that night.  What I saw/heard.  What I remember.  I have noticed people can't handle looking at me when I am crying, upset or trying to explain why I feel the way I do.  They all know what happened that night, but they don't know what happened to ME that night.

Newspapers got it wrong, none of which got my side of the story anyway and reporters screwed it up too.  Again, not one person came to me for my side.  It was almost like I wasn't there in the first place.

As the years passed, I still went ignored.  When they were doing their "How Are They Dealing/Doing Now" updates, I wasn't asked a single word.  Everyone else was.  I can't wrap my brain around why that is either.  I truly can't.

Is it too painful for others to see me?  Is it too hard on them to have to see my pain?  You know what I say to that?  TOO FUCKING BAD!  It's about time someone noticed ME.  You know, the one who lost the most in all this.  The one who lives with this ongoing guilt that I promised my Son that I would always protect him and keep him safe...I FAILED.

Sure, feed me the "There was nothing you could have done" crap.  That's not good enough for me.  That doesn't make me feel any better.  That doesn't heal my heart.  That doesn't bring him back.  

It will be 10 years this April and it feels like yesterday.  The pain is still too raw and I just feel like salt gets dumped into the wound whenever someone tries to tell me to "move on".

Believe me, I've heard all those stupid sayings and I am sick of them.  They might work for some people, but not for me.  I am so frustrated, annoyed and hurt.  I cry almost everyday, curled up in a ball wanting the one hug I can never have again.  Most would think that I have been so strong these last 10 years, but I am not.  If people knew the amount of times I cry myself to sleep, hide in another room to quietly cry so no one has to deal with me, etc...

Then again, no one has bothered to ask.  With the exception of one person, but even they don't know all of the story.

I am not comfortable talking to some stranger about this as I don't feel like I need to be analyzed...Just HEARD by those who are supposed to love me.  I have had to listen to all of their feelings on this and what they felt/experienced that night and how it changed them.  Now it should be their turn.

I have lost a lot of friends due to this too as they didn't know what to say/how to act around me, so they thought the best way to deal with that was to eliminate me (as I was a constant reminder of that night) out of their lives.  Nice.

It's not like the accident was all I would talk about either.  If anything, I was the one trying to think of other things to do to take our minds off of the tragedy and make them smile if even just for a few moments.  In fact, I don't talk about it much at all.  I stopped once I noticed the lack of friends and that everyone had something else better to do than to listen to some cry baby talk about her feelings.  Let's face it, it's not nearly as important as washing a car or playing a video game.

So, I have to ask this.  What am I to do?

Do I please everyone, by uncomfortably getting behind the wheel with 2 kids, panicking through every intersection, cringing at all the cars that surround me JUST to make everyone else feel like I am less of a burden?  Is it worth my children's safety and my sanity to do so?

How do I get these people off my back?  How do I make them understand WHY?  If I choose not to drive, why can't that be respected?  Would you want a paranoid driver on the same roads as you causing accidents?

I feel like a burden and a failure.  I can't help it, but that's how I have been made to feel.

Am I overreacting?  Am I being too hard on others by wanting them to return the favor?  Do I seek a professional to medicate me and tell me it's all in my head?

I am scared shitless, paranoid and I honestly don't know if I can handle another devastating loss.

One day at a time, I guess...